I'm back. Also, therapy.

Self Improvement and Stoicism

Recently, I started going to therapy. The long and short of it is this: I was feeling increasingly angry with my kids and verbally exploding in ways that I felt were wrong and a disservice to my children. I grew up in the generation (Elder Millennial here) where spanking was the go-to punishment. There was a general feeling of "you will respect me out of love or out of fear, but you will respect me" with parents, mine included. I'm positive this has fueled the industry of therapy.

My parents are good people and I love them immensely. They taught me to serve others and to be selfless. My dad taught me how to not be afraid to try and fix things; to be independent and confident in my skills but to also know when my skills are lacking. My mom taught me to love reading and learning; to push myself to be better and always try my best.

I was also spanked a lot as a kid and when I felt like I was headed down that road with my own kids, I recognized I needed some new tools to deal with my own anger, fear, anxiety, etc. and in turn help my own children. This ended up being a combination of old and new things; namely, stoicism and therapy.

One book that I've returned to over and over again in my search for *how to be* is Meditations by Marcus Aurelius.

The new translation has an introduction by scholar Gregory Hays, a professor at UVA, and includes a lot of the historical context that was missing from other editions. The most interesting bit that I learned is that this work is dated to the 170s. This was Marcus's last decade alive and was a particularly dark and stressful time in his life. Between 169 and 179, there was constant fighting on the frontier of the empire, a revolt from Cassius, and the deaths of his friend, Verus, and his wife, Faustina.

We often think of philosophy today as a purely academic discipline, but 2,000 years ago it was much more practical and provided a design for living, or a set of rules by which to live. Stoicism was the primary philosophy with which Marcus was concerned. Today, stoicism is often viewed as detachment, but in reality it is an acceptance of the here and now without concern for the past or the future which *does not exist*. I'm simplifying to the nth degree here, but to me that is the gist of Stoicism.

Marcus delves into three disciplines: perception, action, and will. And this is the crux of my own journey into therapy and philosophy and how they incorporate into my own religious beliefs for how I fit into the world. When I become angry, am I viewing the situation with a more cold and removed logic? Am I acting in a way that is good or bad? Is this even in my control to be concerned about?

Therapy has helped me to understand that many of the expectations and concerns I had were extraneous. They were mine by inheritance and eventually led to conflict when I had those same expectations for my children. This isn’t to say there are no expectations for behavior, or standards of how we act in our family. But I’ve discovered that there are quite a few things in my life that cause anxiety that I simply do not need to be concerned with, and sometimes letting my 7-year old be angry in the front yard instead of forcing him to his room isn’t a fight worth having. Or when he cuts his own hair to realize that anger is not helpful and to laugh a little bit. This is fixable. Maybe.

I will be writing more about the philosophy of Stoicism through my own understanding and application over the coming months. I am not a scholar. My study of philosophy, while more than a lot of people, was concerned with my English degree and my minor in the Humanities. Everything else has been through my own studies and yearning to learn and read from the best books the world has to offer.

Stoicism, like many other philosophies or beliefs, is only as good as it is applicable in my daily walk. Marcus says, in Book 3 of Meditations, "You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.” For me, in this current rotation of the earth, this is directly connected with how I treat my family here and now. Because there is no tomorrow. There is now.

I’m looking forward to writing again on a more relaxed schedule. Micah will also chime in here from time to time. We love to write, but we realized we can’t make promises for a schedule because we already have enough of that in our lives.

Talk soon.

Eric