One of the reasons stoicism is so practical (among other philosophies and religious behavior) is that the ideas seem to live outside of time, technology, and culture. They are eternally useful in a very practical way and touch on very real human emotions and tendencies. See the most recent gem of wisdom from Seneca to his young friend in letter no. 6:
Indeed I desire to transfer every one of them to you; part of my joy in learning is that it puts me in a position to teach; nothing, however outstanding and however helpful, will ever give me any pleasure if the knowledge is to be for my benefit alone. If wisdom were offered me on the one condition that I should keep it shut away and not divulge it to anyone, I should reject it. There is no enjoying the possession of anything valuable unless one has someone to share it with.
Years ago, I planned on becoming a teacher. My high school English teacher Paula Brown helped to foster two things in me: a love for reading and a love for learning. My love for learning created a need to share with others what I had learned. Ultimately, I took a different career path but I find opportunities every day to teach and learn. As it turns out, being a father, husband, brother, son, coworker, church member, neighbor, etc. leaves a lot of room to learn and instruct. I don’t consider myself wise or more knowledgeable than the next guy, but I think that in sharing what I’ve learned I am able to learn from others.
Here are a few things I've learned over the years that I've been thinking about lately in no particular order:
1. "It is better to be trusted than to be loved." -Dad
This one took me a long time to understand. As an adult, I realized that what my dad was saying is that he would always love me--I'm his son. But trust is earned and can be lost. Trust is what true relationships are built on--not love. Love can exist for someone that you wouldn't let in your house or hang around your kids.
With my own children now, I often repeat this phrase to help them understand that they will encounter people who may not like (or love) them, but that being trusted can go a long way for creating good will and getting things done.
Seneca points out in letter no. 3: “But if you are looking on anyone as a friend when you do not trust him as you trust yourself, you are making a grave mistake, and have failed to grasp sufficiently the full force of true friendship.”
Indeed. Trust is vital to lasting relationships.
2. “Seek to be curious instead of critical”. -My therapist
This one has changed how I think and perceive others, especially in high-stress situations. It's so easy to view another person's actions as malicious when we don't know the full story. How many times have I gotten upset at someone cutting me off only to accidentally cut someone else off? This could be boiled down to the idea of assuming intent.
Being curious invites you to ask questions rather than make assumptions. It is an invitation to seek out more information to form a more complete picture of someone or a situation. I have found this piece of advice to be useful in heading off arguments or contention in my relationships, whether that be at home, at work, or at church.
3. "What’s the worst that they could say?” -Dad
My dad was an insurance salesman (life, health) for many, many years. He talked to a lot of people over many years and taught me to never be afraid to ask. Whether that be for a raise, or help, or for a favor. Whenever I was afraid to ask for something, he would reply, “What’s the worst that could happen? What’s the worst answer you could get?” When I realized that the answer to that question was “no”, I became liberated and realized there was nothing to be afraid of.
I teach my kids this today when they are scared. What’s the worst that could happen? Sometimes this reminds them to be less reckless. Sometimes it reminds them that there is nothing to be afraid of.
“Date the kind of girl (or boy) you would marry. Marry the kind of girl (or boy) you would date.” Mark Palmer (mission president)
Mark Palmer was my mission president while I served a two-year mission in Spokane, Washington for my church. He is a brilliant man who has an equally brilliant wife and was always willing to share wisdom. This particular piece of advice was one that I took to heart when I was a young twenty-something and started dating. In this world, I’m a little old fashioned when it comes to dating. This advice helped me to really think about what I wanted in a partner for the rest of my life and, in turn, how I could be a good partner.
Today, I’m married to a woman who I’ve known since we were 16 and I have to say: I got really lucky. When we started dating in college, I thought of that advice and knew immediately that she was the type of girl I wanted to date and marry.
Don’t have important conversations when you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. -Me.
I’ve heard some form of HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) over the years and when I pause to think about some of the worst arguments I’ve ever had…well, I was usually one of those things. I get very hangry.
Bethany and I have a rule that we don’t talk about important things (finances, life decisions, etc.) after about 9PM. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve gone to bed a little irritated with each other because we were talking about things that were important at the end of a very long day. Just don’t do it. Save it for the morning or for a lunch conversation.
That’s all I’ve got. What have you learned over the years?
Talk soon.
E